And it's been good.
Not blogging simply because I didn't want to, instead of blogging anyway and putting down crap.
There's been so much fear around it.
I can now barely bring myself to put pen to paper and spit these thoughts out into coherent sentences. (I'm writing in my journal, first, then copying onto the screen.)
But perhaps I need to.
I've been letting my fear dictate to me.
What if so-and-so reads this?
What if no one likes it?
What will they think? (I have no idea who they are.)
What if my followers don't like the direction I'm taking this blog?
What if there's too much disparity between my physical world persona and my online persona and I look dishonest?
What if someone doesn't like the person I'm growing into?
And then Hannah told me, "Let your followers go."
Susannah Conway said the best way to find your authentic voice is to practice, and keep writing.
And so I'm practicing.
Hannah told me, "Let your followers go. Write for you."
But much easier said than done.....
It's so hard to let go of the inner chatter, the voices judging the words before they're even out of your head. To see past them, to hear your own voice, to feel full and solid and supported in the words you're putting down.
This is what I want to unearth.
I think this is exactly where I need to be in my blogging growth. When I re-launched in April, I was so sure it would change everything -- a new name, a new look, a new face. Turns out, making cosmetic changes doesn't totally change the energy -- imagine that. If there's not enough heart and solid ground in it, it will still crumble.
I've been dreaming of moving to an entirely new blogging space and leaving a note on the door here saying, "Follow me over if you'd like." And maybe I really will do that. I don't know.
But for now, it feels good to get some truths out, in an on-my-way-to-authentic voice.
Last night I had the opportunity to meet and circle with an amazing group of women, writers and bloggers and creatives. I was in Boston to see Susannah Conway, blogger extraordinaire, touring for her new book This I Know: Notes on Unravelling the Heart.
All those women in one place, talk of blogs and writing and creative process floating about the room -- it lit something inside of me.
I finally met Hannah, my soul-sister, and we hugged and ate gluten free cookies together and talked about blogging and Providence and writing books.
I sat beside Susan Piver and she asked what I did and she gave Hannah and I a tour of her beautiful loft.
I met Elizabeth Duvivier, Squam founder, and got to tell her all about the Joy Up and we bonded over living in and moving to Providence.
I connected with so many other local women and like-minded spirits and shared information. I've already gotten an email.
It was pure magic.
I think I was in a state of ecstasy the whole way home and am still riding the high today.
And now blogging is at the front of my brain. That big cosmic hug last night quietly urged me to sit down today, putting pen to paper, and record my thoughts.
I owe myself (and you) at least that.