I can't afford it.
It's not going to happen.
I need to have this job.
I must be "me" at all times.
I need to move by this date.
I don't know what to do.
No breathing room. No space. No movement.
Just some really, really fucking tight grips.
I didn't see it for awhile. I felt like I was just being realistic -- setting goals and boundaries for myself. Only, I wasn't.
I was choking the life out of these things.
I had such a damn hard grip on the job I applied for and was excited about that suddenly, nothing else mattered. It was this, or nothing. I went from holding so tightly to the belief that I need to find a job, I need to find a job, I need to find a job to I need to get this job, I need to get this job, I need to get this job. Nothing had actually changed.
I wasn't making it very easy for these jobs to find me. I wasn't attracting them to me, I was creating the least amount of space possible for them. If I were a job, I don't think I'd want to find me either.
And that's where the tiny little shifts come in that seem so subtle, but totally change the playing field. I suddenly realized I could live in the gray area. Things wouldn't fall to shit around me, the world would continue turning. Only now, it'd be a whole lot easier to breathe. It'd feel more uncertain, yes -- but it'd be easier to exist.
I've been practicing these small shifts and together, they're changing my reality.
From "I can't afford it" to "I really love that and know that it's worth the expense but I'm going to hold an intention to have it someday, all in good time."
From "It's not going to happen" to "Maybe now's not the right time and I just need to have a little trust that the right thing will come along when it's meant to."
From "I need to have this job" to "It'd be really nice to get this job but I'm just going to focus on how I want to feel in it and let the rest go."
From "I must be 'me' at all times" to "I love this lifelong practice of learning to come more fully into myself."
From "I need to move by this date" to "Everything is unfolding just as it should and I know that when I've done the inner work and am ready to move, I will."
From "I don't know what to do" to "I feel unsure and could really use some support around this."
Changing our inner voice -- this is where the magic happens. Knowing that you can practice unclenching your jaw over and over again every five minutes and that you can rearrange your desk just for a change of scenery even if that means it's sticking out awkwardly and all the cords are visible and you move it back after an hour. The point is that we get to write this story, basing decisions on if they feel good or not, hanging out in the gray area simply because it feels better.
Expanding horizons. Creating new space. Writing our stories.
This is where I am.