Tuesday, July 31, 2012

how my 2012 goals are coming true.

halfway through 2012, workbook check in 

Remember this post? It's hard to believe that was back in February, and now August is here. That's actually become one of my most popular posts, and I love how often I've referred back to my workbook since then.

Time for a 100 Things To Do In 2012 check-in!

Leonie posted hers earlier in July and it motivated me in all sorts of ways. I'm not big on creating lists of things that must-get-done-or-else, but I made this list with such light and spirit that most things on here feel totally do-able, and I realize I've manifested more things than I thought. And it's only August.

I'm sharing some of my list here to put out there the things I still want to do this year, hoping that it motivates me to make them happen. And to celebrate all the things I've already done! This isn't my full 100 (not ready to share it all...) but out of the 100, I've crossed off 46! Seeing as how about 1/4 of my list is holiday-related (Christmas crazy, much?), I'm happy about this.

If you filled out Leonie's 2012 Workbook and shared your list, link up so we can see. And it's of course not too late to start a Things To Do In The Rest Of 2012 list :)

1. Get a new pet.  DONE. (And then, undone!)
mabel pup
2. Dress exactly how I want.
3. Go camping.
4. Visit a national park.
5. Get my fortune told.
6. Make new friends.DONE.
7. Make money from my photography.DONE.
8. Move into my own space.
9. Dance in the rain.DONE.
10. Host a party. DONE

dinner party
11. Have a girls night out.
12. Do more yoga.DONE.

13. Spend a day (or week) in bed.
14. Read more books.DONE.
15. Wear more skirts.
16. Dance under the moon.
17. Fall asleep on the beach.DONE.
watch hill, rhode island
18. Try vegan for a week.DONE.
19. Write more letters.DONE.
20. Quit my job.
21. Make my car a sanctuary.DONE.
22. Ride a horse.
23. Sleep under the stars.
24. Wear more hats.
25. Drink tea.DONE.
26. Sing karaoke. DONE.

27. Sleep with a cat.
28. Make out.
29. Journal more.DONE.
30. Do a raw cleanse.
31. Drink more water.DONE.
32. Be on time.DONE.
33. Paint outside.
34. Create a vision board. DONE.
vision board : step four
35. Spend a week by the sea. Will be done this month!
36. Take consciously deep breaths. DONE.
37. Have a picnic.DONE.
38. Learn about the moon. DONE.
full moon, july 2012
39. Go on a road trip.DONE.
rural CT
40. Make more eye contact.DONE.
41. Visit a farm.
42. Stay one night in a fancy hotel.
43. Throw a holiday party.
44. Pay more attention to how food affects my body.DONE.
45. Drink a pretty latte.DONE.
pretty latte
46. Create my business website. Actually, I'm not sure I've shared this on the blog yet!
47. Get at least 2 3 massages.
48. Revamp my iTunes.DONE
49. Explore flower essences.DONE
50. Explore essential oils.
51. Buy clothes that sing to my body.
52. Write more.DONE
53. Be a friendly neighbor.
54. Meditate however I want.
55. Give more compliments.DONE
56. Establish a nightly routine that feels better.

Monday, July 30, 2012

making shifts and fleeing slowly

stone riverbutterfly, taking a break from dancing about 

I feel like I've crossed over some kind of threshold. Into some new place I haven't been before that feels foreign and strange but also really familiar, as if I knew I'd be here all along.

I feel like I'm closer to my dreams now, living in the other side of my very-close future, looking back at everything I've gone through to get here

rather than

living in the past, in repetitive cycles of stuck-ness and how-I-got-here, and spending all my energy leaning ahead into the what-ifs and seemingly impossible future.

I'm here now.

I'll tell you: that line that I drew for myself? That I was so sure of? It didn't happen like I thought it would. I drew my line for the end of June, I wanted to quit my job by no later than June 30th and be out of there for good. I see now that I wasn't totally sure it would happen (example, I had too much fear of sharing it here, afraid I might jinx myself or look like a fool) but wanted so badly to be out of daycare that it didn't seem likely I could mentally manage a day into July.

Then I was offered a job. I took it. I gave my two weeks notice. And when did she want me to start? June 29th. Bingo. It appeared I'd be ducking out of that daycare job just in time for my line to appear.

I must have known at the back of my mind that something was off because I was afraid to tell too many people, bubbling with excitement inside and yet holding back. That was when I wrote this post.

A week later, the woman emailed. She'd changed her mind. It had been great to meet me, though, and she was sorry.

Slam. I hit a wall. I cried. I felt discouraged and depressed and walked about life in a fog for at least a week.

But the beautiful reality was: I'd drawn my line. And it'd happened. Regardless of whether or not the job worked out, I'd quit. I'd given my bosses my two weeks notice. It didn't end up well and it wasn't how I ever imagined it happening, but nevertheless, it did.

And so even though writing this now makes me shake my head in indignation, I chose to take back my two weeks notice. I willingly went back to daycare. That was a hard, hard day.

Now here I am. Living in the ebb and flow of being grateful for a job, and wanting to quit on the spot.....feeling like I can handle riding out the summer, and feeling totally devastated that I'm still there.....finding joy in the easy moments, and trying not to cry angry tears in the staff bathroom.

But that spot of finding moments of joy -- that's where I want to live. That's where I feel good. That's where I feel most alive and full of possibility.

And plus -- I've drawn another line, a soft etching in my heart born out of desire and joy, as opposed to stoic determination and angry deadlines.

I've made a small shift, from By the end of the summer I will quit my job to I want to move this fall. 

And oh my, what a sweet shift to have made. I simply want to move. I want to live in a bright, sunny apartment. I want my own space to live. I want a kitchen all to myself. I want a new city. I want a job with a salary and benefits. I want new connections. I want to have fun.

You know those moments, when a simple mindset shift is all it takes? Suddenly life gets a little brighter and the tightness in your chest loosens up a bit and you find yourself taking a deep deep breath, involuntarily. Living in those shifts feels so good.

I've come up on three years of living back at home with my parents. Two years longer than I ever thought I would, and three long years of adjusting to a life I never thought would be mine.

As for the shift I'm making.....I'm saying good bye to these past three years with love. Fleeing slowly. Looking back on them with gratitude for the soft, safe landing I'd needed as a college graduate and ditcher of grad school. It's been three years in a womb of healing, right here in my childhood home. I've lost count of the times I've lost my patience with being here and sharing a bathroom and cleaning up dog pee and shooing my sister out of my bedroom and my mom texting to see when I'll be home and being factored into a bigger family unit, whether I wanted to be or not.

But as I've made this shift, suddenly everything seems a little brighter, easier, softer.

I've been exploring apartments for rent and have fallen in love with one, an open sunny space with so many windows and hardwood floors. Available September 1st.

I've taken to finding small windows of time at work that don't feel so horrible anymore, that I can shift into moments of gratitude and of saying farewell. I can't even count how many diapers I change every day, and now I'm transforming those minutes into moments to breathe deep, to move slowly and take my time, to let my coworker care for the other seven children as I focus on just one (just one!), giving them care and attention and deliberate movement, at least for while they're on the changing table.

I've gone from worrying myself sick about money and paychecks and my car breaking down and how I'll ever be able to afford rent, to I'm so grateful that I have a credit card to throw a $300 car repair on. Thank God for that credit card.

Subtle shifts, but so so powerful. This is where I will live. This is how I will say goodbye.

Fleeing slowly. With love.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

boston, blogging, and a book tour

I haven't felt very called to blog much lately. I've felt torn in so many different directions about it that the best thing to do was to just step away from it.

And it's been good.

Not blogging simply because I didn't want to, instead of blogging anyway and putting down crap.

There's been so much fear around it.


I can now barely bring myself to put pen to paper and spit these thoughts out into coherent sentences. (I'm writing in my journal, first, then copying onto the screen.)

But perhaps I need to.

I've been letting my fear dictate to me.

What if so-and-so reads this?
What if no one likes it?
What will they think? (I have no idea who they are.)
What if my followers don't like the direction I'm taking this blog?
What if there's too much disparity between my physical world persona and my online persona and I look dishonest?
What if someone doesn't like the person I'm growing into?

And then Hannah told me, "Let your followers go."

Susannah Conway said the best way to find your authentic voice is to practice, and keep writing.

And so I'm practicing.

Hannah told me, "Let your followers go. Write for you."

But much easier said than done.....

It's so hard to let go of the inner chatter, the voices judging the words before they're even out of your head. To see past them, to hear your own voice, to feel full and solid and supported in the words you're putting down.

This is what I want to unearth.

I think this is exactly where I need to be in my blogging growth. When I re-launched in April, I was so sure it would change everything -- a new name, a new look, a new face. Turns out, making cosmetic changes doesn't totally change the energy -- imagine that. If there's not enough heart and solid ground in it, it will still crumble.

I've been dreaming of moving to an entirely new blogging space and leaving a note on the door here saying, "Follow me over if you'd like." And maybe I really will do that. I don't know.

But for now, it feels good to get some truths out, in an on-my-way-to-authentic voice.

boston bound for susannah conway's book toursusannah conway book toursusannah and me!hannah and me!

Last night I had the opportunity to meet and circle with an amazing group of women, writers and bloggers and creatives. I was in Boston to see Susannah Conway, blogger extraordinaire, touring for her new book This I Know: Notes on Unravelling the Heart. 

All those women in one place, talk of blogs and writing and creative process floating about the room -- it lit something inside of me.

I finally met Hannah, my soul-sister, and we hugged and ate gluten free cookies together and talked about blogging and Providence and writing books.

I sat beside Susan Piver and she asked what I did and she gave Hannah and I a tour of her beautiful loft.

I met Elizabeth Duvivier, Squam founder, and got to tell her all about the Joy Up and we bonded over living in and moving to Providence.

I connected with so many other local women and like-minded spirits and shared information. I've already gotten an email.

It was pure magic.

I think I was in a state of ecstasy the whole way home and am still riding the high today. 

And now blogging is at the front of my brain. That big cosmic hug last night quietly urged me to sit down today, putting pen to paper, and record my thoughts.

My truths. 

My authenticity. 

I owe myself (and you) at least that.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

dinner alone and trusting joy

acupuncture officehaymarket cafe, northampton, madinner alonenorthampton main streettea for the ride homenorthampton sky

I live for the days when everything lines up: when the world feels peaceful, when energy flows and time goes smoothly, when deep breaths come easily, when you realize you've had the same content smile on your face for hours.

Sometimes they are consciously created.

Other times, they're just happening before you know it.

That's how last Thursday went for me. I went up to Northampton to see my acupuncturist, on a rare occasion when I couldn't get booked at her more local office. I take the inconvenience of having to travel 45 minutes on a weeknight with a secret bit of joy -- Northampton is such a joyful mini city, I like an excuse to get there.

And so I went up, with no real plans, and had my bit of acupuncture. (Haven't tried it? I'm now a firm believer and recommend it to everyone I know.) My car was parked in a free lot in a prime location, and so I wandered. I walked slowly and breathed in the air. And found myself at the Haymarket, an eccentric, tiny, vegetarian cafe and juice bar nestled in between stores. I wandered downstairs and happened upon a jazz band warming up -- I was just in time. I ordered food, and meant to take it to go, but forgot to ask, so settled for sitting with my meal, alone, eating, (Instagramming...), and listening to the music. I ate a stew of tofu sausage, okra, bell peppers, zucchini, and tomatoes atop brown rice and served with grilled cornbread.

It was heaven.

On my way out, I got my usual green jasmine tea I almost always get for the ride home from Northampton.

These are the kinds of days I always yearn for, the ones I try so hard to create, when really --

they don't need any trying. They just need trusting.

Monday, July 2, 2012

get the goddess circle at half price!

Dropping in with a quick note about the Goddess Circle:

tomorrow it doubles in price.

If you've been thinking about signing up, now's the time! Tomorrow at 10am EST (midnight Leonie's time) it goes up to $199/year. Right now it's only at $99 -- and is so worth the price. If you've read my post here singing Leonie's praises and explaining how she's transforming my life, you'll know I could talk all day about how amazing this woman is. This online sanctuary she's created is such a perfect thing for the world.

If you'd like to join, we'd love to have you.

Find more info here. Can't wait to see who comes along!

*I'm an affiliate for this program, which means I'll get a portion of the proceeds from each sale made from these links. Of course, even before I became an affiliate I was telling everyone I know -- I love it that much!

Sunday, July 1, 2012

i'm a wild sister!

The 13th issue of Wild Sister Magazine comes out today -- and I'm in it! Alongside other fabulous writers like Hannah Marcotti, Amanda Oaks, Christina Seitz, and more. This month's theme is "Making Dreams Come True" and I wrote an article called "Be Your Own Beacon," all about using yourself as a beacon of hope and faith for your dreams.

And, as writing usually goes, I'm taking my own words to heart today, reading them like I'm seeing them for the first time and gaining my own wisdom from them. It's much needed, these past few weeks.

If you're interested in purchasing a copy, all the details are here.* (You may need to navigate back to the Home screen from this link to find issue 13.) You'll also get a bonus e-book called The Wild Sister Guide To Changing The World, which I can't wait to read. Plus, 5% of each sale of this issue will be donated to Women for Women International. Beautiful.

*I'm an affiliate, which means I'll get a portion of the proceeds of each sale from the links here. I'm proud to share the Wild Sister love!